Getting to Know Your Parts
A simple introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Most of us have had the experience of feeling two ways about something: part of me wants to speak up, and part of me wants to stay quiet. IFS builds on that common experience. It sees the mind as made up of different parts, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and job. Having parts isn't a problem. It's normal.
The big ideas
- There are no bad parts. Even the parts that cause trouble (anger, avoidance, people-pleasing, perfectionism) are trying to help.
- Every part is protecting something. Behind a part's behavior is usually a need or a fear.
- You are more than your parts. Underneath them is your core Self: calm, curious, and compassionate. The goal is not to get rid of parts, but to get to know them and lead them with care (Schwartz, 2021).
Three kinds of parts
| Type | What they do | What it might look like |
|---|---|---|
| Managers | Try to keep life running smoothly and prevent pain before it starts. | Planning, controlling, people-pleasing, perfectionism, the inner critic |
| Firefighters | Step in fast to put out emotional pain when it breaks through. | Anger, numbing, scrolling, drinking, overeating, shutting down |
| Exiles | Carry old hurt, fear, or shame, often from earlier in life. Managers and firefighters work hard to keep them quiet. | Feeling small, alone, unwanted, or not good enough |
Questions to reflect on
Think of a recent time you reacted strongly, or did something you didn't want to do. Take your time and notice what comes up, with curiosity rather than judgment. There are no right answers, and nothing to fix yet. Just notice and get curious about what each part needs.
Reflection questions
1. What happened, and what was the reaction? (An urge, a thought, a feeling, a behavior)
2. How do you feel toward this part? (Curious, annoyed, ashamed? If you feel annoyed, that may be another part.)
3. What is this part trying to protect you from? What does it fear would happen if it stopped?
4. What does this part need from you?
Your core Self: the 8 C's
Qualities of Self (Schwartz):
Calm, Curiosity,
Compassion, Clarity,
Confidence, Courage,
Creativity, Connectedness
Feeling curious or compassionate toward a part (question 2) suggests you're in Self. Other feelings mean another part has stepped in. That's okay.
Reference: Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.
Josh Dix Counseling. For educational purposes only; it does not replace the guidance of your therapist.